Ever had those days when your friend/partner is making you feel uncomfortable? But not because you hate them…just something is – well off? And I don’t mean in the stagnant water way!
The thing is, at times we will find that friends or partners (or even family members) really get under our skin. Our first retaliation is to blame them for it…
But what if it’s YOU?
Eek…. yep I said it… it’s highly likely it’s you!
Before you contemplate killing me for that statement let me explain where I am going with this…
Sometimes our friends just drive us insane…. we can love them from the bottom of our hearts, and adore them completely, we would walk over hot coals for them – but still the very second they text/call/email/Facebook/turn up you feel uncomfortable, irritable or just like there is a glitch in the system.
Here’s two reasons why….
Reason 1 – It’s like looking in a mirror
Sometimes when we see friends they use a behaviour/action/response that just does not sit with us. This can lead to deeply uncomfortable feelings, a desire for space or even literally avoiding them because the second you see them there is something negative in the energy between you. This may lead to one side overcompensating to try and fill the void, or a number of cancellations as the meetings are just feeling so disconnected. The reason being they are like a mirror being held in front of us. We choose our friends because they have similar values and beliefs to us, so when they are doing something we don’t like it’s very often because it’s a mirror reflection of something that WE do (or used to do in the past) that we do not like – a metaphorical slap in the face telling us to sort our rubbish out (or reminding us how far we have come). However for many our first reaction is to:
1) Project onto them
2) Blame them for not caring
3) Feel like they don’t like us
On the simple basis that we are not recognising that the thing we do not like is the very thing we need to work on and change….. annoying right?
Resolution – Step back and work on you!
So what do we do? The only way to fix this is to sort your own baggage out. Until you do every time you see them you’ll find yourself feeling the same, and realistically the issue will only grow because the metaphorical mirror keeps looking at you. The problem is, our unconscious mind is programmed for pleasure and wants to keep us safe so we will do all we can to avoid those uncomfortable feelings and project them back to our friend or stick our head in the sand. Whilst it is very likely they have a similar problem (after all you are friends) the barrier between you cannot be resolved until you individually deal with your own parts of this. However please be aware that until someone is willing to face up to their side you cannot make them (now we start to understand why some friendships stagnate and cannot be revived). Whilst it will take some self-reflection, and in some cases some intervention from therapy techniques to resolve the emotional disconnect which is occurring, after this resolution is found YOU will feel tonnes better and much less irritable. On the other side – your friend will feel better when they acknowledge their own side (you cannot rescue them or make them).
Which brings me onto reason 2…..
Reason 2 – You’re trying to save them and they want to drown right now
Sometimes the greatest thing that irritates us or makes us feel disconnected from a friend is that they are obviously drowning or in physical, emotional or psychological trouble or danger and are not taking any action. On the basis that we care for our friends like family (in some cases you may be closer to them than family) watching them drowning or seeing them charging at a brick wall like a steam train moving at 100mph can be devastating, so we do everything in our power to STOP them. We can lecture, shout, coerce, sympathise, empathise, pat shoulders, distract, plan events, BUT at the end of the day if they are not open to help then unfortunately short of kidnapping them and placing them in bubble wrap in your home you cannot stop their chain of events from unfurling. Which in turn can break the person watching, often at the complete oblivion to the person involved – who may still be at stage one of thinking you are the issue…. now we see why relationships break down!
Resolution – Go for coffee alone but take the buoyancy ring
So what can you do? How do you stop a friend from hitting that wall and causing carnage? Honestly? You can’t. The more you lecture or yell the more you’ll push them away or they’ll nod and ignore …think back to the last time a friend sat and told you how to manage something and you didn’t want to listen (because you were not ready or willing to hear it)….did it stop you from falling off the tracks? Hitting the wall? Probably not. So in these circumstances the best thing we can do is practice self-care and ensure that we are in a good place mentally, physically and psychologically, because when your friend hits that wall it’s likely to be messy and it will be all hands on deck – if they are ready to let anyone help. So take some time for you, listen if they want to talk and otherwise find some safe neural territory conversations. You may even opt for some therapeutic or complimentary interventions for you to give you strength and resolve to manage when the going gets tough, because there is nothing worst that watching a friend drown…. but if you look after yourself then you’ll have the strength to fling that buoyancy ring out to sea and haul them back in when they are ready to work through their own issues.
At the end of the day we are responsible for ourself and our own emotional well-being. As hard as it can be the only person who can save us is the person we look at every morning in our own mirror. So if you want to strengthen your relationships and friendships focus on being the best version of yourself, because then your own walls come down and we are open and receptive to one another to enjoy each other’s time without being triggered into negative or disconnected feelings.
So here’s some easy ways to restore your own energy:
1) Take a short break to restore your energy
2) Opt for an energy rebalance through a reiki session or massage
3) Perhaps clear some clutter from you own unconscious mind and learn new emotional responses so that you do not get irritated or upset by people’s behaviours the bottom line is this
4) Do something today that will make you feel more connected to yourself – a walk in nature, a good book, a god laugh
5) Talk it through with someone you trust
For more information about Nicky’s work you can visit: www.astepatatime.org.uk